Hey, my name is Sam - this page is basically just if you cut open my head and looked in. It's not edited, It's unfiltered. I'm an autistic guy who loves all kinds of things... hyperfixations is the only way I can navigate the world without losing my fucking mind so here we are. I'm super creative, pursuing writing, drawing, textiles and painting. I've always loved making things, it's like meditation for me (because actual meditation for a spicey brain is like chinese water toture) with artistic expression I finally slow everything down in my head and focus on feeling intensely about day to day life as I work on creating... I love that feeling so much, it makes me feel so happy and alive.
NOTE TO SELF - add a shit load of special interest stuff, this page must be an indecipherable cluster fuck
In the last couple of years I've really found myself again, after putting up with the bullshit of the NT world - having stepped the fuck away from corporate faux professionalism, which is basically just a load of psychos pretending they're nice and then shitting on everyone else. Absolutely killed my mental health, I lost who I was wearing a mask everyday for people who never gave a shit about me, only what I could do for them. Who cares if I'm Chartered? It means nothing to me now, fuck all that - I just want to get by, create and actually live how I want to live. I'm too old and fruity to play 'the game' now RIP.
Finally accepting and getting a diagnosis, hopefully this year... I've had medical professionals say I am for years, but I didn't really know. I just thought I was weird, well - I am weird that's the point. The best thing about autism is the creativity and just being very non-judgmental of stuff. I've always got a different perspective on stuff as my mind isn't shaped by stupid 'rules' that NT people use as heuristics to make their daily life easier. That's not how it works for autism baaaaby! Everything is so fucking intense all the time. So on that note, it's sound sensitivity that is my kryptonite - I mean, holy fuck I LOVE music but all the noises of modern society are like nails on a fucking chalkboard and I can't stand it. Probably why I love the outdoors and nature so much -PEACE- rather than the cacophony of noise fuckery that is 21st Century life with all it's cunts driving souped up Corsa's and bass blasting twats. Sensitive right? Damn right, I freak the fuck out - in tears like a baby when bass is blasting, keep that noise AWAY from me.
Also, one thing I keep thinking about is feeling delayed? Most my friends are ten years my junior, that's partly geography as I live in a university city so everyone is young - but what I mean is that I think autism fucks with you in your teens and 20s and means you're unable to make the connections that NT people do. It's only through constant social practice that in my 30s I'm now able to interact with people properly and actually convey what my thoughts and feelings are in a way that won't hurt people. Which I used to do all the time when I was younger - I wasn't a prick, just misunderstood and didn't know myself.
Does this make me a loser? Rather be a happy unmasked loser than the blank I was for -years-.
I'm not actually a loser, I know I'm not - it's more like, I don't care anymore? Because I know I'm a good person and as long as I've got that, that's all I need. I've got more friends now than I have ever had, and that's honestly amazing. I always thought I was introverted and not made for friends - what a load of shit! I'm fucking awesome! And so are my friends. So glad I have all of them in my life to support me. And I hope they feel loved by me too.
What's the dream though? For me, it's just getting by - having a sense of positive apathy is working well for me. It's very 'fuck it, whatever :)' and actually, that's really freeing because I don't think too much about making mistakes. I just do things now, I don't overthink it. I ignore all the things the world tries to teach you... that your worth is tied to career, having children (no thanks) and being married (NGL I do really want this one day, I am pretty traditional in that sense... a best friend I can marry and kiss? OMG yes!)
Most people who are autistic are unemployed - I am not, I do random things that I'm absolutely loving at the moment (need a bit more to pay the bills though) but I've had a ROUGH ride with it. In the NT business world, it's about how much ass you kiss and how well you wear the face. Despite the fact all the evidence shows that ND people have higher levels of productivity than NT people. Problems only arise when NT people are introduced into ND groups. NASA did this research, and there are other papers saying the same thing.
Basically, a lot of NT people are cunts - I said I wasn't judgmental, hyocrite? Maybe, but I only ever have beef with NT people who seem to have no tact or empathy for others. Especially if you're weird. Which is a shame as I've been a manager and always trained my staff to be awesome. All I wanted to do was raise them up, so they smash their work. Which they always did. Maybe NT employers don't like ND people because we can do their work in two hours, but it takes them eight hours... and the other six hours we're sitting in chairs, spinning around, listening to songs on repeat and ABSORBING special interests and media. Makes us look childish, according to them I guess? I find a lot of NT people seem to value the torture of hard work, despite the fact they'll never be rich grinding for someone else. Like, not ALL employers are shit - I've had some awesome ones, don't get me wrong. But I've also had a lot that pushed me to the point of wanting to just not be here anymore because I did the job WELL - fucking customers would SAY THIS but they would discard any of that, because my face doesn't fit... made me question my entire sense of self. Which is fucking awful, depressing shit.
The gaslight is extreme for me, on one hand I'm featured in a talk by a world famous Marketer at the Festival of Marketing with all the BIG companies for a research piece I did... on the other, I can't get into senior positions and people at work often treat me like I'm a fucking idiot. Never earning more than £34k a year and overlooked for promotions by people with personalities that fit a corporate mold.
WHICH is why I have no moved away to alternative forms of working... eg, no more corporate shit. Play to my strengths, avoid my weaknesses. And I always have side projects, too scared to put all my eggs in one basket!
I like working - I actually do. But fuck me man I wish it was *EASIER* for me and everyone else who is ND... my only advice for ND people is don't do what you're good at, find what you can be weird at. That matters more for your brain, seriously.
BUT - therapy has ironed me out in a lot of ways. The best thing I've ever done, because not only has it made me be kinder to myself but it's also helped me empathise with other people and help them. I want to love people, to be kind and be their friend. Be the person who's there when no one else is or can be. I've got a friend who ghosted me for basically a year - I just dropped her messages, I knew she wouldn't respond. But that gesture showed her I truly cared, and now she's better (she was having a shit time) our friendship is closer... THIS IS GOING ON A TANGENT.
I think everyone should have therapy, it's the only way to understand that a thought is a thought - it's not a reality. Simplistic I know but it helps you control yourself, and how you react towards other people.
Therapy has made me a better man, someone more comfortable in his own skin and in turn - I can try to help others be comfortable in theirs.
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